He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
