maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize