I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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