addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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