Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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