What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
