C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
