My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
