Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize