the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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