I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
