I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
