youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
