I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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