Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
