Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
