I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
