So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
