Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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