There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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