You're my little dorito
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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