also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
