Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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