Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
