If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
