I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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