I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How does one acquire holy water?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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