I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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