It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Even my vagina gasped.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
