You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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