The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
