C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
