Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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