I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Randomize
