he puts the penis in happiness.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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