First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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