literally had 100 drinks last night.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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