Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
