My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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