what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
