I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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