the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
