3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
