He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
