Barsexuality is the new black.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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