i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
