So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
