He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize