she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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