Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize