Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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