I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
