Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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