They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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