i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
