Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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