On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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