that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
