Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
