I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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