when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
