every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
