Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
