So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
