I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
