she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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