I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize