we made out on top of his cat.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
