Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
