if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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