I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
