First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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