Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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