A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
