You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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