he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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