It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize