I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
